Don't Let Me Drown
All my life, I had had one inescapable regret hanging over my head. It was the fact that I had never even gotten the chance to know my parents before they died. Sure, Cloudberry and Ravenwing made ghostly appearances now and then. The joy I felt when I saw them, scented their familiar aroma mixed with the sharp perfume of StarClan, was like nothing else I knew. Nevertheless, there had always been that nagging thought: This isn't how any other cat knows their parents. You alone are stuck in this pathetic excuse for a family relationship, meeting with your StarClan father and mother and clinging to the precious few seconds you can look at their faces. Now, seeing the immeasurable agony in Fire's eyes as she gazed at her sister's battered body, left for the vultures... I was almost glad I couldn't clearly remember life before my parents' deaths. I couldn't imagine feeling that kind of pain. It would've destroyed me. In my mind, I could practically hear Cloudberry's voice. Don't let it destroy ''her. She needs you.'' I looked at Fire. When we'd first met, which was only a day ago, she'd seemed unbreakable. She wasn't big physically, but there was something about the way her bold spirit shone out from her eyes that made me think,'' this cat is what it means to be a warrior, even though she isn't a Clan cat.'' I never would've imagined her needing me; if anything, I thought that maybe she could help me. The sound of a ragged gasp jolted me from my thoughts. The rogues had left, and Fire had darted forward. She was standing over Ariel's body. I could see that she was trembling from shock and horror. Slowly, I walked forward and joined her, briefly pressing my shoulder to hers so she knew I was there. "I can't believe they did this," she breathed. "I can't believe it." "Fire," I said gently. "Why would they kill her? I thought the both of you belonged to the League. Why-" I broke off. Fire was peering at me through a haze of pain, and I realized she wasn't registering a word I said. Now wasn't the time for my questions. Recognizing that, I draped my tail over her shoulders and began guiding her away. "Come back to my Clan," I whispered. "We'll send a patrol out, and Ariel will be given a proper burial. You can trust me." Mutely, Fire nodded. She staggered alongside me, like someone had ripped out a vital part of her and left her spinning, unable to regain her balance. Ordinarily, Oakstar wouldn't have been too willing to help out a random rogue. But I went over to him and explained everything, at least, everything I knew, about Fire and her sister. Finally, he grudgingly agreed to send a couple of cats out to bury Ariel. I asked Fire if she wanted to say good-bye before that. From where she had collapsed in a corner of the camp, she merely looked at me like I was speaking in a foreign language. "It's okay," I whispered. "You can stay here. Rest assured that she'll be laid to rest properly. Do you want anything to eat? Want to go inside a den to rest?" Fire shook her head, still with that hollow expression on her face. It was a little unnerving. My heart ached in sympathy, but I didn't think there was anything I could do at the moment to make things better, so I left her alone and joined the Vale Squad, who were watching from a distance. "Hey everyone," I said. "Where did you meet her?" asked Minkpaw by way of greeting. I sighed at the unfriendly look on my friend's face, though I supposed I should've expected this. "Out on the plains. When I was looking for you, actually. Where were you?" Ignoring my question, she said, "I don't trust her." I snorted. "You're making that obvious, and I'd ask you to make it less so, but you never listen anyway." Her eyes narrowed. "Honestly, Breezeflight, one rogue comes in with a sob story and you fall for it so easily. Not to mention you're choosing to side with that she-cat over one of your Clanmates." "Her sister died, Minkpaw! I'm not siding with anyone-" "Has it ever occurred to you that that she-cat you saw die could be unrelated to her? This could be a trap. That she-cat could be an innocent cat they just killed for the sake of pretending she was Fire's sister. To get gullible cats like you to feel sorry for her, and offer her a way into the Clan. I guess it makes sense that you would believe this load of rabbit-dung, but I'm astonished that Oakstar himself is letting that rogue into the Clan," Minkpaw said. Daisypaw and Specklepaw exchanged glances. I could tell they were thinking something along the lines of, Ah, not again. I knew why; united, Minkpaw and I were pretty much one of the most formidable teams ever. Divided, we were impossible to live with, constantly at each other's throats. Having a disagreement didn't make me love her any less, but I had to admit, I was pretty angry with her right now. "That cat was obviously Fire's sister. They were practically identical." "I'm just saying. There's more than one orange tabby in the world," shot back Minkpaw. "What do you know? You weren't even there." "Which is why I'm probably a more unbiased source than you are. Let's face it, Breezeflight, you're not always the most level-headed judge of character." "What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded. Minkpaw hesitated, as it rethinking her next words. Then, being Minkpaw, she said them anyway. "It means that you helped a murderer and a cat who covered for a murderer escape!" I stared at her incredulously. "You helped with that!" I yelled, completely losing my temper. "And guess what, Minkpaw? It's thanks to Blackheart and Lilyshade that SpringClan is here right now. They're staying with us, showing us how to hunt out here. They're the ones who showed me those tunnels we used to escape." She scowled. "Obviously I know that. Blackheart and Lilyshade will always be friends of the Clan in my mind. But I'm just saying that you're not the most just cat around." "I'm not just?" I screeched. "What do you know about justice?" "Minkpaw! Breezeflight!" Cherrynose's sharp voice interrupted the both of us. She and Bluebird stood a few feet away; they'd obviously heard a good portion of our argument. Cherrynose looked furious. "I cannot believe you two. Minkpaw, you're my apprentice, and I was under the impression that I taught you better. As for you, Breezeflight... I can't believe a warrior would carry on like this, screaming and raving at a Clanmate. What kind of example are you presenting?" I opened my mouth, about to yell at her too (which probably wouldn't have ended anywhere good) but Bluebird cut in. "I'll talk to Minkpaw," he told Cherrynose. "No, you won't," snapped Minkpaw angrily. "-and you talk to Breezeflight. Get some sense into both of them," he continued, like she hadn't even spoken. Cherrynose nodded, watching Bluebird pad away with a cursing Minkpaw. Then she looked at me for a long moment. "What's going on with you, Breezeflight?" "I don't know," I blurted. "I just don't know. I feel like I shouldn't be a warrior. Everything feels wrong. All I want is our old life." "When you say that, do you only mean our territory? Or do you mean your kithood, before Shinecloud's death?" When I remained silent, Cherrynose said, "I know it doesn't seem like it, but SpringClan has never been perfect. Think about it. You may think that things only went wrong a few moons ago, but bad things happened before then. Your parents died. Other cats have too. Yet, through past heartbreaks and failures, SpringClan has prevailed. I'll admit, we've never been kicked out of our territory before. But we will overcome." I gazed at her, not trusting myself to speak. Cherrynose sighed. "I know. It's not what you want to hear. No one wants to acknowledge the pain and blood it will cost us to win back our territory, to win back our pride and heritage. It's not easy. It never is. I wish I could tell you it will all be okay, but the only thing I can tell you for sure is that it will all end. For worse or for better, every struggle is resolved." She was right. Apprenticeship was resolved in a warrior ceremony. Labor was resolved in the birth of kits. Fights were resolved in victory or loss. Life was resolved in death. "I'll try not to let myself get so angry again," I told Cherrynose. She nodded. "Thank you. We need each other right now. We can't tear each other apart before outsiders even have the chance to, or we'll lose ourselves the battle before it starts." Her tone was strict but not unkind. Still, I sort of felt like a little kit being scolded for rowdy behavior. Ears burning in embarrassment, I slunk into the apprentices' den. Cammy and Specklepaw were inside, chatting politely. Lily was there too, asleep in one of the nests. Minkpaw was presumably still insulting Bluebird, and Daisypaw was probably with Ivyrose or Goldenburst. I had no idea where Ryan was. Raising his head, Specklepaw said, "What are you doing here?" At first, I had no idea what he was talking about. Then it hit me. "Oh yeah," I muttered. "I- I sleep in the warriors' den now." Trying to save my dignity, I said, "I knew that. I was just checking on you guys." Letting out a soft chuckle, Specklepaw said, "It's fine, Breezeflight. We're happy to have your company." Even Cammy didn't look unfriendly as she appraised me. "How is she? That rogue you brought in? Fire, right?" "Yeah." I understood Cammy's concern; she must've known Fire from her days as part of Claron's rogue group. "Did you know Ariel too?" Looking away, Cammy said, "Not well. She was always 'the blind cat'. The others loved to bully and taunt her, and Claron and her co-leaders encouraged it. Picking on the helpless is a specialty of theirs. Fire would do her best to protect Ariel, but she couldn't always be with her sister. I'm afraid Ariel suffered terribly." A pause. "I should've done something to stop it." "We all have regrets. It's the worst thing to look back and realize you could've helped someone who's gone... but it's not your fault she's dead." Cammy sighed. "There's still so much you don't know about us, Breezeflight." A bit uneasily, I glanced at Specklepaw to see if he knew what she was referring to. He kept his gaze carefully blank, though. Frustratedly, I wondered how many secrets Ryan hadn't divulged. Then immediately felt irritated with myself for expecting Ryan to share everything about himself with me. Close friends owed each other the truth. He owed me nothing. In fact, I was the one who owed him my life a couple times over. "Breezeflight? Are you okay?" Specklepaw was peering at me concernedly. I sighed. "Specklepaw, can I talk to you for a moment?" He nodded. "Be back in a sec," he told Cammy, who nodded understandingly. We ducked out of the den together, him ahead of me, since his paws probably didn't feel like someone had tied boulders to them. Specklepaw looked at me with genuine curiosity. Seeing the plaintive trust in his eyes was almost enough to make me back out of what I'd decided it was finally time to do. But I'd put this off long enough. Taking a deep breath, I said, "This is hard to say and probably harder to hear, but... we need to break up." His reaction took so long that I thought briefly that he hadn't heard me. Then his eyes flashed with hurt. He almost said "Why?" But the question seemed to die on his lips. Instead, he caught himself and said, "I know why. I guess we both saw it coming." "I'm so sorry." "Don't be. It's my fault, I shouldn't have forced a relationship on you in the first place. Springing my feelings on you... I never really gave you a choice. I guilted you into being with a tom you didn't want." The hurt in his voice pierced my heart. "It's not that I don't want you. What I want is for you to be happy. For both of us to be happy. You deserve someone who'll treat you well." "Breezeflight, stop. I can deal with you doing this, but not with that apologetic tone. I don't want your pity." I shut my mouth and nodded. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," I said in a small voice. I truly was. I was sorry for what I'd done to Specklepaw, to Daisypaw, and to myself. I was hopeless at relationships. Why did anyone bother getting close to me? All I could do was hurt others. "I'm sorry too. But for the record," he said. "I'll always love you. And I'm not saying that to guilt you into thinking that you're cursing me into a life of pining for you. I'm saying that so you know that nothing--I mean nothing--will tear down our friendship. We've known each other so long. I'm not giving you up. Girlfriend or not, you're part of my heart." Touched, I whispered, "I love you too, Specklepaw." I almost added, Daisypaw loves you too. But I didn't. It wasn't any of my concern. Whether they were meant to be or not, I just had to trust that they'd find their way to each other. As friends or something more... it didn't matter, as long as they were happy. Sometimes life was merciful that way. It let you find those that you needed, often before you knew you needed them. Nothing was worth losing those cats once you had them. Which meant I needed to apologize to Minkpaw. As much as I wanted to be there for Fire, I couldn't lose the cats I already had for her sake. "Speaking of Minkpaw," I muttered, watching her approach. Bidding Specklepaw farewell, I walked up to Minkpaw. "Hi," I said, a little awkwardly. "Hi," she said briskly. "How was your punishment for fighting with me?" "Punishment? All I did was yell at Bluebird," she said. "I scared him into not ever messing with me again. The nerve, thinking he could boss me around." She scoffed and clawed the ground. Rather worried, I glanced around and saw with a certain measure of relief that Bluebird was seated outside the makeshift warriors' den. At least she hadn't killed him. "Anyway, how was your punishment for fighting with me?" inquired Minkpaw politely, as if she was asking about the weather. "Cherrynose and I just talked," I said. A soft sigh escaped Minkpaw. "I'm glad. You didn't deserve to be punished for what happened. It was my fault. I wanted to get you angry; it's easier to fight about things than talk about them rationally. And I just... I dunno." She glanced towards Fire, who had drifted off into a fitful sleep in her corner of the camp, alone and seemingly forgotten. "I can't trust her. Not after everything that's happened." "I know how you feel." I licked her shoulder. She leaned her head on my shoulder. It was a tentative gesture, not in the carefree manner Daisypaw always plopped herself onto me. It was like Minkpaw was waiting for me to jerk away from her touch, and was preparing herself to catch herself when I let her fall. Even though we'd been friends now for a while, she was still reserved. Part of me acknowledged that she always would be. It was just who she was. The other part of me reminded myself that there was a time when Minkpaw wouldn't so much as look at me kindly, let alone allow me into her life. We'd come so far, and we had the rest of our lives to live by each other's sides. Our sisterhood might be less open and relaxed than Daisypaw and I's, but it was strong nevertheless. "Would you excuse me, Breezeflight? I need to go talk with someone." Minkpaw pulled away, giving me an apologetic look. I nodded. "Sure. That's fine with me." To my bewilderment, she padded towards Duskwatcher, bending down to mew something in his ear. He nodded, and the two of them got up and padded out of the camp. What was that about? By the time evening rolled around, I was admittedly feeling a bit lonely. Specklepaw and Daisypaw were both missing in action. Minkpaw still hadn't reappeared, and neither had Duskwatcher. I was a bit concerned about that. Duskwatcher wasn't exactly known for kindness or sanity. Not that Minkpaw couldn't hold her own, but still. I didn't understand why she'd want anything to do with him. I would've attempted talking with Fire, but the rogue seemed to have sunk into a stupor. Whenever I approached her, she murmured Ariel's name and turned her head away. I figured that that was a pretty good indicator that she wanted me to go away, so I did. Time. She just needed time. In the meantime, though, I was bored out of my mind. So when Ryan padded down the rocky slope into the camp, I nearly pounced on him, desperate for a familiar face and someone to hold a conversation with. "Hey Breezeflight," he said, giving me an amused smile. "What's up?" "Nothing. Just that I was seriously contemplating taking a stick and digging in the dirt till you showed up." Giving me a baffled look, he said, "Are you really so reliant on my company?" "No, I just-" "Don't worry, I get it. I mean, I'm pretty amazing. I don't blame you for wasting away, waiting for me." He smirked gleefully. I glared. "You're insufferable." "I'm pretty sure that's a compliment." "And conceited." "Now you're just flattering me." "You flatter yourself enough. I don't see why I need to. Your head's already so big, anymore praise and it might just explode. Then everyone would be flattened by the release of hot air, since your brain's essentially nonexistent." From nearby, Cammy hollered, "SHE JUST BURNED YOU, RYAN! I LOVE THIS GIRL!" Rolling his eyes at his sister, Ryan turned to me with a mischievous expression. "You're going to pay for that, Breezeflight," he promised. "Yeah?" I said tauntingly. "How about you try to reclaim your pride by beating me in a race? Ready? Set? Go!" "Wait!" Ryan's voice came from behind me as I bolted up the sides of the pit and out onto the open plains. I heard his pawsteps thundering behind me, straining to keep up. "Where are we even going?" I skidded to a stop. "Good question." Unfortunately, Ryan's momentum sent him plowing into me before he had a chance to see that I'd halted. The two of us went sprawling across the ground in a tangle of limbs. "Get your tail out of my ear," I huffed, spitting bits of black fur--I wasn't sure if it was mine or Ryan's--out of my mouth. "Get your leg out of my belly," he retorted, slowly rolling till he was separated from me. The two of us simply lay there; I let myself enjoy the plush feeling of the grass beneath me, tickling my nose and my fur. I looked up at the sky and told myself that somewhere, somehow, Cloudberry and Ravenwing were looking down at their silly daughter and thinking, At least she's happy for the moment. "What are you thinking?" Ryan asked. "About my parents." "What happened to them?" There was nothing intrusive of his voice, for some reason. It was like if I looked at the sky, I wasn't even talking directly to Ryan. So I answered truthfully. "They died of disease when I was little. I barely remember them, but sometimes I see them-" "How?" he interrupted. "StarClan." Ryan was quiet. Then he said, "A while ago, you asked me what had happened in my past with Clans. You said that I had to have encountered them before to hate them so much. You were right, of course." I waited. "GreenClan. They live a fair distance from here, and I used to live near their territory. Back when my parents were alive, they were pretty high-ranked cats in the League. Claron trusted them. And that was exactly why the Clan hated them so much. I guess it seems pretty understandable now, but back then, I didn't know what the League even was. My parents were providers, caretakers, and friends to us. They might have opposed the Clan, but they loved me and my sisters dearly." He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. "One day the Clan decided they'd had enough. Claron realized what they were going to do and quickly began evacuating. She told my parents to come with the League before it was too late, but they came back for us instead. When they reached our den, a patrol of GreenClan cats were already there. My parents picked us up and made a run for it." "There was a river near our old den, one we had to cross to follow the League to safety. My parents might have been able to swim it if they hadn't been burdered with Lily, Cammy and me, and if they hadn't had the GreenClan cats following them. But they were wounded and tired. All they could do was struggle against the current for long enough to throw us onto a couple of rocks jutting out from the water. My father screamed for us to make it to the other shore before he got washed under. I never saw him again." "My mother... she tried to cling to the rocks where we were. I ran forward and grabbed her paw, trying to pull her up." Ryan swallowed, hard. "I'll never forget the way she looked at me. 'Don't let me drown', she whispered. 'Please.' And then her paws slipped and she too was swallowed by the river. Cammy, Lily and I managed to make it to the shore. We ran till we caught up with the League. Claron really had no use for a trio of bedraggled, coughing kits, but she kept us because of who our parents were. We never lived up to Needle and Spine--those are my parents' names--and their reputations." At that, I couldn't help but wonder what his parents had been like. It was obvious that Ryan still missed them terribly, but if a bloodthirsty cat like Claron had thought of Needle and Spine as valuable... I somehow doubted their integrity. Not that I'd say it aloud. "Sometimes I feel like I'm Needle, my mother. Trying to cling onto a slipper rock of hatred, moored into place by the thin line of anger I have at the world. I want to let go, but I feel like if I do, I'll be swept away in a current," Ryan continued. He sounded exhausted, like telling his story had drained him completely. "I wouldn't let you drown," I told him. Almost inaudibly, he whispered, "But you might sweep me away nevertheless."